Not so funny April Fools Day joke

On flight home from Seattle, Hubster decides to tell me a "funny" story about a recent event with one of his friends.

Hubs: So Stacy was coming down on April Fools Day to visit Steven at his house. The guys decide they're going to play a joke on her when she arrives. It's night and she pulls up in the car. She gets out of the car and starts to walk towards the house. So Steven and his friend have on ski masks and one of them grabs her by the arm. The other puts a hand over her mouth, then they pull her into the alley. Then the friend picks up her hair and sniffs it and says "Mmm, this is gonna be a good one tonight.' So then she starts crying and they pull off the masks-"

Me: -What? WTF? Why would they do that!

Hubs: Cause it was funny! As soon as she started crying, they pulled off the masks and said 'Calm down. Calm down. It's just a joke. April Fools.' Besides, she immediately punched Steven and gave him a shiner.

Me: That's not funny. That's freaking scary, she thought she was going to get raped.

Hubs: Why would she think that?

Me: WHAT? Of course she thought she was getting raped. They were wearing masks and pulled her into an alley, then the friend smelled her hair and says 'mmmm, this is gonna be a good one tonight'?? That's messed up.

Hubs: They never said they were going to rape her. They could have been two gay hairstylists.

Me: That's not even logical! Why would a woman think two gay hairstylists would kidnap her in ski masks and pull her into the alley.

Hubs: Well, it's just a little step up from jumping out and saying boo.

Me: No. No. There is QUITE a gap between saying boo and dragging a woman into an alley wearing a ski mask.

(Many hours later. We get home and the argument resurfaces.)

Hubs: Well you need to call someone and get an unbiased opinion. I think it's funny.

Me: Well then let me call Sarah.

Hubs: No, Sarah is squeamish.

Me: How about Devo?

Hubs: No, Devo has a thing about being touched.

Me: Ok fine. Rachel. (Hubs agreed.)

(ring ring. Hi! Pleasantries exchanged. I tell Rachel I need her opinion on whether she thinks something is funny. I tell her the story.

Me: What do you think?

Rach: That's not funny, I would have thought I was being raped.

Me: SEE!!!!

Hubs: No one ever said anything about rape. They could have been two gay hairstylists.

Rach: (fit of laughter) Uh no, that's not funny. It's messed up.

Me: Well, he got his comeuppance. He got punched in the eye.

Rach: I would have done a lot worse, I would have punched him in the balls.

Hubs: Okay, memo to self, NO SKI MASKS.

Three Alternating Innuendos

SETUP: I’m headed back to my cubicle from elsewhere. In one hand, I have a bag from Sprouts full of trail mix. I’m chomping on a Brazil nut and some pumpkin seeds. I see a colleague chatting with a gentleman and leading him into a conference room (it appears to be an interview.) My colleague was not born in the United States; so while she has absolutely superb English, she is also unfamiliar with all our American slaying and statements.

While not eavesdropping, I can’t help but hear her say to the gentleman, “So you must be comfortable pitching a tent then?” The guy turns bright red and appears to stumble a little.

I nearly wee my pants.

She deposits him in the conference room and walks towards me.

Me: Hey, um Bonnie? Do you know what “pitching a tent” means?
Bonnie: Of course I do. He’s an outdoorsman.
Me: Well, right, there’s that. But it also has another meaning.
Bonnie: It does? What?
Me: Er, yes. When young men, um, when they.. um. Like if they get excited and… they … well crumbcake. Okay, if a guy gets an erection in his pants, it’s also called “pitching a tent”.
Bonnie: Oh my word! Okay, thank you for telling me. I’m oh so embarrassed! Should I go say something to him?
Me: No, no. I think it’s fine to just leave it be. (I raise the bag of trail mix from my hand and offer her a grab.) Nuts?
Bonnie: Well now you’re just rubbing it in.

That my friends, is why I love my work days.

Music Monday - Dewolff "Gold & Seaweed"

Dewolff is a funky, trippy, psychodelic, Dutch jam band.

I have a thing for roasted, salted seaweed lately.

Discuss.

Jellyfish and rhubarb

Watching the news in preparation of the upcoming storm ... I see random stuff on the floor of the hall. Appears Hubs has been rooting through the junk closet and didn't pick up after himself.

Me: Babe?

Hubs: Ya hon?

Me: Domino. Back scratcher.

Hubs: Rhinocerus and Danish.

Me: Wait, what? There's no Rhinocerus or Danish in the hallway?

Hubs: oh, I thought we were playing a memory association game.

MUSIC MONDAY - Seals and Croft

I hate this song. I mean, I really, really dislike this song. It came up at lunch today and my coworkers honestly couldn't understand how or why I hate this song. I just do. It's annoying and I hate it.

That said, let's make it a Music Monday pick so it's stuck in your mind. (Or your MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!)

0:11 Do do do dooooooooo do do do do do doooooooooooo
0:19 Wait a minute! Is that Joe Anderson? The dude that plays Max in “Across the Universe”?
0:30 Pay no attention to the scrolling marque
0:33 Nice beard and ‘stashe my brother!
0:36 Why, oh why, is there jasmine in your mind?
0:42 Of my MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
0:46 Maybe we shouldn’t ignore the scroll, there was something there about tequila
0:55 of my MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
1:05 Where is the piano player for this. Am I wrong?
1:23 Oh snap, the ‘stasche is playing a mandolin. Props for the early hipster!
1:33 Nice time to wipe your nose on your sleeve, audience member.
1:48 I really hate this song. You know why? It’s stuck in my MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
(time passes, I skip ahead)
2:59 Holy crumb cake, there’s a dude playing bass. In a black turtleneck. And bad hair

Music Monday - Fantastic Baby by BIGBANG

In an effort to bring a little more substance to my Music Monday posts, I'm going to provide additional commentary from my conscience as I watched for the first time.

Today's pick is Fantastic Baby by Korean Pop group BIGBANG.

0:03 It’s the owl from Labyrinth! Oh wait, no. That owl was white and turned into David Bowie. Never mind.
0:06 Is this… is this Lady Gaga?
0:15 STOP MUSIC. Maybe I should, before it gets even weirder?
0:16 But his SUIT! It’s mesmerizing. The strips and stars, the cane! The black eye & weird red hair that turns into cables or veins or something. Can’t. Stop. Watching.
0:18 There’s that owl again. Maybe he’s sending mail to the Weasleys .
0:21 Who wants a Molotov cocktail?
0:24 Wait, who’s Mister Frosty? That bracelet is pretty.
0:33 Oh thank Dairy Queen. He’s all frosted out.
0:40 I’m not sure if that mask is for welding, motorcycle riding or a future robot apocalypse uniform.
0:43 ABOMINABLES BOUNCE!
1:00 Is that the kid from The Golden Child? I – I - I want the knife!
1:11 I was going to say George Washington, but I’m even more perplexed.
1:17 Screw the meaning, this guy in the hat and goggles is FIERCE!
1:26 Mr. Frosty has channeled his inner Buddha and is having a powwow sit down with the death squad.
1:22 The Korean Biebs is loosely chained to the wall. I have to say though, these dudes are ripped. I guess that’s what happens when you are chained to a wall all day singing Korean Pop tunes.
1:58 All they wanna do is dance dance dance dance dance dance. Are we sure they are men?
2:20 After boom-shacka-lacka, Sir Spikes-A-Lot is getting pawed by four latex covered… kittens?
2:34 It’s official. George Washington is a gay robot.
2:41 I really want to punch long-hair-off-to-the-side guy. Though his lipstick design is super funky.
2:47 Is this Mr. Frosty again? I think he’s my favorite. He’s so emphatic with his arm gestures.
2:57 BLOND KOREAN BIEBS!!! <3 <3 <3
3:18 Poor man’s execution of The Matrix
3:24 WAIT A MINUTE! Is that Snufalufagus???
3:33 The two Snuffys are break dance fighting.
3:47 Oh, the doomsday STOP MUSIC killers are just Korean teens. Phew!
3:53 And now the band takes their rightful place upon the throne(s).

Shake Your Moneymaker

Setup: Hubster and I are on the couch, watching Big Bang Theory, fire going and snuggling. His back hurts and asks me to rub a particular spot.

"Here?"
"Yeah, right there."
I rub it for a while then stop.
"What? Your turn already?"
"Ya."
"Ok, give me your feet."

Hubs: You're feet must be sore.
Me: Why?
Hubs: Well, you've been on your feet all day.
Me: No I haven't. I work at a desk.
Hubs: What, you sat on your ass all day?
Me : Ya.
Hubs: I'm rubbing your moneymakers though.
Me : Well no. Actually then you should rub my ass. Because by that theory, my ass is sore.
Hubs: You want me to rub your ass?
Me: No, I'm just saying, that i earn my money by sitting on my ass. So my ass is therefore my moneymaker. Not my feet.
Hubs, still rubbing my feet: Oookay....

Me: Well, if I was a stripper, and I was on my feet all day working the pole, then my feet would be my moneymaker. Cause I would be making money by gyrating around on my feet. And my feet would be sore. So rubbing my feet would then make sense, and you could also say that you were rubbing my moneymakers.
Hubs: Well, if you were a stripper, shaking your body is the actual moneymaker, not your feet. Guys don't give you dollars by looking at your feet.
Me: Well Quentin Tarantino would.
Hubs: What?
Me: Well, he has a thing for feet. So if I was a stripper and shaking my moneymaker, in which case you would say my body, I would argue that my moneymaker would be my feet because he would give me money for looking at my feet.
Hubs: Touche.

Xmas songs and Jammie Pants

This morning Hubs and I both woke up at about 6 am, about one hour earlier than we usually do.
We're laying in bad chatting, snuggling with the boopins.
Nadia starts attacking Odie's ears (as she usually does when we rile her up) and I start singing a song to "Oh Christmas Tree".

Oh Nadia, Oh Nadia.
Stop a-ttack-ing poor Odie.
His ears are ooooh so sensitive.
It isn't niiiice to do in bed.

Hubs: Wow, you've already got our whole holiday repertoire together in March!
Me: I'm awesome like that.

Then we discussed getting super hero jammie pants for the next half hour.
Good times.

Music Monday - Royal Wood

As heard on a recent Being Human episode. Sad, sweet, lovely and makes you want to snuggle up by the fire.

No matter what shall pass
I’ll feel our breath