Answering the Chuck Klosterman 23

In his collection of essays ‘Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs’ Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions that he believes would determine, in his mind, whether or not he could truly love someone. Learning of these questions, I asked Neaves the Beast to ask me a few. Intrigued, I thought I would just blog my answers to all of them for posterity.

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks—he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? 

I would be vastly jealous of the Magician as he is clearly a non-Muggle. And, while I’ve never met Albert Einstein, I know he was a genius who developed the theory of relativity. (And yes, I had to Google that to remember what he did besides the whole bomb thing.) I think the “correct” answer in my gut would be Einstein. But that Magician? That’s pretty freaking cool. 

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that—for some reason—every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this? 

Negative, I would NOT even entertain the idea. Screw the political prisoners.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select? 

The skull would go with my house décor even if it is Hitler’s. And turtles smell.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and—most notably—a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

If women can’t play football, then why should we allow a gorilla to play? No.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?

Yes. I would not allow for my soul mate to be caused physical pain every three years, knowingly. My life would suck and I’m probably going to go mental over Layne Staley’s voice everywhere, but I’d do it.

6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?

No. I only share my dreams when I want to and I really don’t wake up remembering them in the first place. The ones I do remember tend to be a little dark and I don’t need to see those again.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

Tough choice between Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch. I suppose I’ll go with Sasquatch since it’s in the Pacific Northwest and The New York Times is an American newspaper. (Granted they are global in reach, but a little patriotism is nice. )

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

If they can deal with my Potterness, I can deal with their Crystalness.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

A little net neutral, but I’d be curious to read it. Yes, is being my answer. (Shout out reference to Love Actually.)

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.” Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

The written word.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that—somewhere—your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I guess I’d leave, but make the call quick in the lobby and then come back in.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

None. I’m perfectly attractive as I am.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

Probably Harry Potter.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

They’d hate it.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next fourteen days?

I wouldn’t want the surgery. But that’s not an option, is it?  I suppose I would spend the next fourteen days making videos of myself, telling my stories so that I could watch them later. Oh, and figure out how to make an income we can live on while I’m in that state.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Nope.

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.” Which of these two people do you trust less?

I trust the man with the past less than the one with no past.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon. Which option do you select?

A year in Europe.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

That I tripped.

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The Hollywood version. I hope it is a musical!

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Later. By about a good three years.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

Both. But I guess the one about stealing since I hadn’t done it and it would make me mad people assumed it was true.

23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?

I guess it’s better to be in a sitcom than a drama. Right?

Music Monday - "A Little Respect" by Erasure

True story.

I was a freshman in high school, only 14 years old, and had a crush on our marching band's 2nd Drum Major*, Kurt Aufderheide. He was blonde, blue-eyed, tall and Mormon. (Now that I think about it, I had a thing for blondes in high school.)  I do not think that I ever had a real conversation with Kurt; he was a senior like my brother and ate lunch on the upper quad, whereas I was with all the other freshmen by our lockers, too scared to leave the safety of a mass group.

One afternoon, I called our local pop radio station, Star 100.7, and requested that they play a song.  The conversation went something like this:

DJ: Star 100.7! Who is this?
Me: Ummm. Glynis?
DJ: Hey Gwyneth, what's going on?
Me: Uhhh, can you play a song for me? A Little Respect by Erasure?
DJ: Sure thing, who do you want to dedicate this too?
Me: (not expecting this) Oh, um? Kurt Aufderhide? *stunned that this came out of my mouth*
DJ: Ooo! Is this your boyfriend?
Me: NO!!!
DJ: Well does he have your number?
Me: I'm sure he can figure out where to get it.
DJ: Alright then! Here's Erasure with "A Little Respect" going out to Kurt Aufderheide from Gwyneth!



Even though the DJ called me Gwyneth, everyone knew it was me. Didn't matter though because I taped it onto a cassette (did you know they record those conversations during the commercials, not live?) and planed to give that tape to Kurt.

The next day at school, I got up the nerve to take the tape to Kurt (I think my phone number was written on the outside.) He was surrounded by a bunch of girls and somehow I got the nerve to break in and give him the tape, say a squeeky "Hi!" and run away.

He never called.

And I think he got a Mormon girlfriend a few weeks later. She was blonde, blue-eyed and played the trumpet. AND A FRESHMAN!

Where's Kurt today?

In Baghdad. Being awesome. Getting awards. And political stuff. Working on labor issues and probably solving world hunger.

Me?
Jets for the 0.01%.
Living the dream!

We won Tournament of Champions that year. 1992 Field Show. And if you don't believe how awesome marching band can be, you gotta check out this video... of us... THE EMERALD BRIGADE!



*The 2nd Drum Major is at the back of the field, so that when you march facing away from the front, you can still keep in time. 

My Brain Wouldn't Shut Up - 5:30am

I have to finish that deck.

What if no one shows up at the Polo game?

It’s too hot, I need to take off this blanket.

The trick to nekkid sleeping is keeping your butt covered.

Maybe I’d be more comfortable with the blankets all the way on up to my neck but my feet sticking out the bottom?

If an alien showed up right now to take me and the boopins off to another planet, I’d totally go.

Why is Tommy deaf, dumb and blind? That’s too much for one kid.

I want an espresso.

Did I transfer the sheets into the dryer?

Urgh, I cannot forget to pay that bill this morning.

Maybe I should get up and go to the gym.

I wish I could wake up without belly fat.

I want to stay here in bed.

On the news

Texas Sheriff pulls over a truck with a busted tail light, going a little slow on a country road. He approaches the vehicle and an octogenarian woman has her hands on the ten and two.

"Ma'am, license and registration, please."

She hands over her drivers license and her concealed handgun permit.

"Ma'am, do you have weapons on your person or within your vehicle?"

"Yes Officer, I do. One in my glove box. One in my purse. One in the driver door compartment and one under the seat."

The Sheriff is surprised and asks the woman "Ma'am, I have to ask. What are you afraid of?"

She replies... "Nothing."

The New Top Five

You know the list. The Top Five list.

Hubster's is Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayak, Amanda Seyfried and Gwyneth Paltrow (as Pepper Potts and only as Pepper Potts) ... and that's not exactly in order, though close.
I look at the list and see a common theme; can you guess what it is? Not-so-secretly, I am delighted with his choices. I concur on a sapphic front.

This evening, I revised my top five to the Hubster's delight.

1) Jason Statham
No change at number one; you can blame the topless oil scene in Transporter or his dashing ways in The Italian Job. "If it's on the menu." You can be an appetizer, main course or dessert for all I care. Yummy. Congrats Jason, you held first position.

2) Bradley Cooper
New to the list. A ridiculous pretty boy that I normally would scoff at... his role in The A-Team squashed my once hoitty-toity prerequisites to garner an add at number two. (Replacing Sidney Poitier circa To Sir, With Love. Sorry Mister Poitier, a wonderful excursion in your Bahamian homeland was wonderful, but I crave something new. Hubster is sad Poitier got bumped. Frowny face and all.)

3) Daniel Craig
Adding to the list of white Brits, much to my chagrin as an equal opportunity salivator, is the current James Bond. Three words. Blue + trunks + beach. Please sir, can I have another? Daniel Craig bumps Josh Holloway (LOST's Sawyer) as we have not seen his awesome sauceness in a while. Make a movie Josh and you might get a second chance.

4) John Malkovich
Whether toying with your emotions in Dangerous Liaisons or commanding the table in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, he's a pretty safe bet in the bedroom. Strong. Resolute. Wicked. Would that I could, I'd add Martin Freeman to the line-up for a damn good show. Unsure of his kissing abilities, I imagine that the awkwardness and goofiness would add to the evenings entertainment. Or, Mos Def. That would be lovely. Mmm. Maybe Mos Def will find his way back on the Top 5. That said, Malkovich remains unchanged at number four.

5) Robbie Williams
Oh RW my RW. How wonderful that we shared two stolen seconds in San Diego. I know you are married now, as I am also in wedded bliss; but as the longest remaining member on the Top Five, I simply cannot remove you. The mooning at the camera in the Millennium video has a Beezlebub signed and sealed contract. I don't know how to quit you.

Which sadly removes Takeshi Kaneshiro, Brian White and Naveen Andrews. Should I run into any of the three of you, I unfortunately cannot flirt to the prescribed level of awesomeness. You've missed the G List, I am exceptionally sad to report.

Too bad, so sad.

Growth Mindset

Having fun this evening and feeling a little quirky. The Hubster is back in game mode, so I'm going to work on writing the next few scenes in the movie. If we could really get the whole "Scott Pilgrim" feel into the paper ball fight, I think it might be the ticket. On that note, here is G, comic sans.



Thanks to Mr. Hollingsworth, I am reading a new book called "Mindset" and utterly enthralled. I've already taken in the first 40 pages to heart, the most important of which is there is always room for more learning, more growth, and reminding yourself that you are a positive person.

Unsung Heroes

Funny how a simple prop in a film can be the catalyst for a plot direction.

The Red Stapler - Office Space
What would this movie be without Milton Waddums, the squirrely looking guy who mumbles a lot, and his beloved Red Swingline Stapler. He clearly told someone on the phone that if they took his stapler he would set the building on fire. And there you go...

The Pirate Ship Revenge - Princess Bride
I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I think that even though we never really see the ship, without it, this movie could not happen. It saves Wesley from certain death, brings him fortune and the chance to come back to save Buttercup, provides the escape they need, and a final home for Inigo after completing his life mission.

The Phone - Run Lola Run
Simple red phone (I'm sensing a theme with colors here) that sets each distinct Zwanzig Minuten in play. Could they have done it differently? Sure thing. In fact, I'm sure Lola and Manni wouldn't have had nearly as many issues if the iPad was available then.

Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Not only is it the best drink in the known Universe, but provides Zaphod & Ford the breakthrough needed to get the journey started. While I'm not recommending the effect of having one's brains smashed out by a slice of lemon... wrapped around a large gold brick; I do advocate that in social situations where parties have not seen each other in a long while, and some frustration has lingered over a period of time, a good stiff drink can truly bring people back together. Stephen Hawking would dig it.

While there are many, many more that could be discussed, I rather like the idea of challenging myself over the next week to find the unsung hero in four other movies. Seemingly small items, or props, can change the course of a story. And effecting change in a positive direction is always a good thing.

Glynis... FTW!!!!

Fascinating and intriguing morning I've had. My head is full of questions, thoughts, concerns, desires, dreams and potential opportunities. What challenge am I going to place in front of myself? Do I have "the stuff"?

With my fancy-pants new haircut (it was a Locks of Love donation time) and positive outlook, I'm having a great day. Coupled with some inspirational quotes from the strangest of places, I wonder if this is the new direction my career may be heading? Who knows!

"Sometimes you are the dog, sometimes the fire hydrant." - as seen outside Veterinarian on Josey Lane.

"If you're not going forward, you are going backwards." - Nor'Kirk Church sign

"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable or happy. The amount of work is the same." Francesca Reigler on Little Pink Book email.

"Please rise for the Jury"

Have you ever been selected to be on a Jury? I traveled to Denton County Courthouse on Monday morning, turned in my forms, and sat with a book for a few hours assuming that my name would not be called. Sure enough, I was one of twenty people to be chosen from on a misdemeanor case to be tried the next day. (Deep sigh of relief that I wasn't chosen for the felony murder case.) I have to admit, I was a little excited at the prospect of seeing our legal system in action.

This particular case would only need six of the original twenty for actual deliberation and Jury Panel for a DUI. What would be my chances from this lot to be selected? I was a Constitutional Law major, this usually disqualifies me right off the bat in San Diego.

The twenty of us went up to the fourth floor and sat in the audience benches while the State of Texas Prosecution and the Defendant's Legal counsel asked us a series of questions. I should note now that the Defendant was present during this period and he was wearing an Army uniform. He did not speak, or really look at us, but he was there. A young man of about 26 years old, the bars on his chest indicated he had served in Operation Iraqi Freedom (as it was then called) and while I did not recognize all the bars, he most likely had four years of military service. Whether the rest of the potential jury members knew this, I just don't know.

Back to the series of questions... The Prosecution wanted to know if we would be able to determine a verdict of guilty if a breathalyzer test was not available, as long as the State proved beyond a reasonable doubt of the Defendant's intoxication. The also wanted to know if we had served on a Jury before and the case/outcome. Finally, they asked if we had any stigma against Police Officers. (I am paraphrasing a bit here, but that was the gist of the three questions.)

The Defense asked surprising questions, to say the least. Were we aware of the Tea Party and what were our feelings on this political movement? Are you a Republican or Democrat? How strongly are you tied to your political party? I was confused how this was applicable to a DUI case, especially as we were not asked if we had military service or knew of someone in service. However, the legal representatives apparently knew as we have to indicate military involvement on our initial forms, as well as our profession.

After these had been answered, we left the courtroom while the six jurors were to be determined. I was lucky number thirteen which meant my chances were decent to be selected. (Starting with Juror number one, either the Prosecution or Defense can dismiss a candidate. This can be done up to three times on each side.)

We were called back into the courtroom and names were read for jury involvement. I was the last name called.

Dismissed for the day, and informed not to read the news or do any research, I went home to await the next morning when the trial would begin. I was still excited about the opportunity to be a part of the process and awaiting the evidence to unfold. Yes, I had a good glass of wine as well.

I arrived at the courthouse, to our little jury deliberation room, wearing my Juror badge as identification and cup of coffee in hand. The other five Jurors arrived... a young music teacher, a mid-thirties pharmacetutical rep, a stay-at-home mother, flight attendant, and IT systems manager. We were an interesting group and had good personalities and attitudes.

"Please rise for the Jury" the Bailiff called out as we filed into the courtroom. Once again, the Defendant was wearing his Army uniform. Counsel waived opening arguments and the Prosecution launched right into the evidence. Two Policemen, one after the other, took the stand and walked through the facts of the case. The Defendant had been pulled over on an expired registration, apparently weaving in the road. At this point, the Officer went through standard and non-standard field sobriety testing. After a length of time, the Officer placed the individual under arrest for driving under the influence and took him to jail. At that point, a breathalyzer (or Intoxicator 5000 machine, something along those lines) was performed. (More to come on those results.)

We were shown the video documentary of the field sobriety testing and subsequent breathalyzer test. The actual video footage of the initial stop was not available, due to an administrative error on digital records archiving, it could not be proven that the Defendant was weaving in the road, or making lane changes. Breaking for lunch, and reminded not to discuss the trial, I had a turkey and swiss sandwich from Arby's with a lemonade. It was pretty delicious, love that horsey sauce!

Back to the courtroom... the Prosecution witness was a technical expert on Breathalyzer testing and maintenance. A lot of technical mumbo jumbo that confused and disoriented me. It was then reveled that the Defendant's breath was found to be 0.15. At this point, the State rested.

The Defense began with a character witness, a Major in the Military who supervised the Defendant, speaking to his trustworthiness. Then the Defendant took the stand. Clearly upset and nervous, but respectful, he admitted to drinking alcohol on the night in question, but did not feel that he was intoxicated. Prosecution argued with him at some length about the amount he drank, which was never clear, and then rested. Final arguements from the Prosecution were fiercly delivered, persuading the Jury that the Defendant was intoxicated and should be found guilty of DUI. The State of Texas notes that anything over a 0.08 alcohol absorption is defined as intoxicated.

The Lawyer for the Defendant then challenged us on the validity of his client's intoxication and urged us to review the footage again. Prosecution was able to rebut, with the same argument that 0.15 is legally intoxicated, despite any loss to metal or physical abilities. It was an "or" situation... if the Defendant had lost mental or phyisical faculties OR an alcohol absorbency over 0.08, then he was guilty of driving under the influence.

We then retired to the deliberation room, I honestly thought that it would be a quick discussion... I was wrong. We reviewed the video footage again. The Defendant was able to say the alphabet clearly from B to S. He was able to count backwards from 52 to 26 clearly and quickly. He was able to walk heel to toe, with a few adjustments, pivot and take the nine steps back. He was able to raise his leg off the ground and hold it, albeit hopping towards the end. We were not able to see the eye stigma test as the footage was too far away.

I can honestly say that my first vote for guilt or innocence was different than the end result. Elected to be the Presiding Juror (actually a coin toss between myself and the stay-at-home mom) we communicated back and forth with the Judge that we were having difficulty coming to a unanimous decision. He urged us to continue. At 7pm, I demanded the Judge bring us food. (Well, not that the Judge had to bring it, but two of us were getting cranky with low blood sugar levels.) Grilled chicken salad, it was decent. Did I mention that our cell phones had been taken away for the day and we couldn't communicate with anyone?

By 8pm, we were now at 5 to 1. Did the State of Texas prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the Defendant was intoxicated while driving a motor vehicle? Tears were shed. Frustrations were had. Fortunately, no uncomfortable arguments or violence, but it was a heated discussion. The six of us in that room had the power to effect one man's life forever. Granted, it was a misdemeanor DUI case, but we took it as seriously as a felony murder conviction. We reviewed all the evidence, we put aside or personal feelings as best as possible, and did not allow the potential punishment or ramifications sway our judgment. It was one of the most difficult decisions to make, but we finally came to a unanimous resolution around 8:30pm.

Composing ourselves and walking back into the courtroom, we took our places. I stood up, opened the document and read clearly for the Legal Counsel, Judge and Defendant to hear.
"We the jury, find the Defendant..."