In his collection of essays ‘Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs’ Chuck
Klosterman lists 23 questions that he believes would determine, in his mind,
whether or not he could truly love someone. Learning of these questions, I
asked Neaves the Beast to ask me a few. Intrigued, I thought I would just blog
my answers to all of them for posterity.
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let
us assume he can do five simple tricks—he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he
can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card,
and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn
any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these
five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the
bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s
legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would
this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
I would be vastly jealous of the Magician as he is clearly a
non-Muggle. And, while I’ve never met Albert Einstein, I know he was a genius
who developed the theory of relativity. (And yes, I had to Google that to
remember what he did besides the whole bomb thing.) I think the “correct”
answer in my gut would be Einstein. But that Magician? That’s pretty freaking
cool.
2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy
Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held
in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely
immobile. And let us assume that—for some reason—every political prisoner on
earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if
you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed
to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
Negative, I would NOT even entertain the idea. Screw the
political prisoners.
3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In
one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s
skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the
turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if
either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If
you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent
location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be
paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be
apolitical. Which option do you select?
The skull would go with my house décor even if it is Hitler’s.
And turtles smell.
4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University
announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the
animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand
words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and—most notably—a vague sense of self-awareness.
Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by
football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly
develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson
speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely
average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be
susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has
made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are
commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland
Raiders?
If women can’t play football, then why should we allow a gorilla
to play? No.
5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a
catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s
collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this
from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for
the rest of your life—sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in
Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound
(to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead
live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in
Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in
Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like
deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only
sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?
Yes. I would not allow for my soul mate to be caused physical
pain every three years, knowingly. My life would suck and I’m probably going to
go mental over Layne Staley’s voice everywhere, but I’d do it.
6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.”
This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams,
which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream
VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat:
When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest
friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if
you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR. Would you still do
this?
No. I only share my dreams when I want to and I really don’t
wake up remembering them in the first place. The ones I do remember tend to be
a little dark and I don’t need to see those again.
7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish
marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable
coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the
thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity.
These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president
announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that
week. You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you
play as the biggest story?
Tough choice between Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch. I suppose
I’ll go with Sasquatch since it’s in the Pacific Northwest and The New York
Times is an American newspaper. (Granted they are global in reach, but a little
patriotism is nice. )
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this
person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually
stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have
one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy
The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she
peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal
analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely
about the film’s “deeper philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you
from marrying this individual?
If they can deal with my Potterness, I can deal with their
Crystalness.
9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to
mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious
social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it
appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately
become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for
helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact
that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content
(and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or
decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?
A little net neutral, but I’d be curious to read it. Yes, is
being my answer. (Shout out reference to Love Actually.)
10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s
Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place
like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of
the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find
Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to
“Barracuda.” Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?
The written word.
11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater.
Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects.
But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable
feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is
no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are
overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that—somewhere—your mom has
just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no
evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately
exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
I guess I’d leave, but make the call quick in the lobby and then
come back in.
12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The
wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you
ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street.
You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a
dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does
not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different.
But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible
difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person
is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him
once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay
him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?
None. I’m perfectly attractive as I am.
13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited
to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance
except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service.
After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the
assembly. What do you talk about?
Probably Harry Potter.
14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can
suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write,
but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new
skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the
house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to
realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter
frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case,
do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this
cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
They’d hate it.
15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no
discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six
months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only
downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After
the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a
fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible
memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or
difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next
fourteen days?
I wouldn’t want the surgery. But that’s not an option, is
it? I suppose I would spend the next fourteen
days making videos of myself, telling my stories so that I could watch them
later. Oh, and figure out how to make an income we can live on while I’m in
that state.
16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows
you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal
ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in
twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you
finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades
older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you
are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by
books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL
pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully
muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes
clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian
football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this
future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be
changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and
randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and
the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch
it?
Nope.
17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town
you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance
you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and
sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful
of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a
fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who
this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man
with no past.” Which of these two people do you trust less?
I trust the man with the past less than the one with no past.
18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options,
and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe
with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the
moon. Which option do you select?
A year in Europe.
19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of
your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem:
This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the
rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up.
However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them
that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have
to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why. Since
you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to
explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
That I tripped.
20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies
are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary,
primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage
from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally
honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a
big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all
your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters
have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic
merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film
would you be most interested in seeing?
The Hollywood version. I hope it is a musical!
21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and
relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience
your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the
memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life
previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did
the first time around (and by how many years)?
Later. By about a good three years.
22. You work in an office. Generally, you are
popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two
rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first
rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of
your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t
believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars
of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor
is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which
of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
Both. But I guess the one about stealing since I hadn’t done it
and it would make me mad people assumed it was true.
23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?
I guess it’s better
to be in a sitcom than a drama. Right?
