Answering the Chuck Klosterman 23

In his collection of essays ‘Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs’ Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions that he believes would determine, in his mind, whether or not he could truly love someone. Learning of these questions, I asked Neaves the Beast to ask me a few. Intrigued, I thought I would just blog my answers to all of them for posterity.

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks—he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? 

I would be vastly jealous of the Magician as he is clearly a non-Muggle. And, while I’ve never met Albert Einstein, I know he was a genius who developed the theory of relativity. (And yes, I had to Google that to remember what he did besides the whole bomb thing.) I think the “correct” answer in my gut would be Einstein. But that Magician? That’s pretty freaking cool. 

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that—for some reason—every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this? 

Negative, I would NOT even entertain the idea. Screw the political prisoners.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select? 

The skull would go with my house décor even if it is Hitler’s. And turtles smell.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and—most notably—a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

If women can’t play football, then why should we allow a gorilla to play? No.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?

Yes. I would not allow for my soul mate to be caused physical pain every three years, knowingly. My life would suck and I’m probably going to go mental over Layne Staley’s voice everywhere, but I’d do it.

6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?

No. I only share my dreams when I want to and I really don’t wake up remembering them in the first place. The ones I do remember tend to be a little dark and I don’t need to see those again.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

Tough choice between Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch. I suppose I’ll go with Sasquatch since it’s in the Pacific Northwest and The New York Times is an American newspaper. (Granted they are global in reach, but a little patriotism is nice. )

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

If they can deal with my Potterness, I can deal with their Crystalness.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

A little net neutral, but I’d be curious to read it. Yes, is being my answer. (Shout out reference to Love Actually.)

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.” Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

The written word.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that—somewhere—your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I guess I’d leave, but make the call quick in the lobby and then come back in.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

None. I’m perfectly attractive as I am.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

Probably Harry Potter.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

They’d hate it.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next fourteen days?

I wouldn’t want the surgery. But that’s not an option, is it?  I suppose I would spend the next fourteen days making videos of myself, telling my stories so that I could watch them later. Oh, and figure out how to make an income we can live on while I’m in that state.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Nope.

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.” Which of these two people do you trust less?

I trust the man with the past less than the one with no past.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon. Which option do you select?

A year in Europe.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

That I tripped.

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The Hollywood version. I hope it is a musical!

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Later. By about a good three years.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

Both. But I guess the one about stealing since I hadn’t done it and it would make me mad people assumed it was true.

23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?

I guess it’s better to be in a sitcom than a drama. Right?

Are You Going To Scarborough Fair?

It's that time of year again when North Texas goes back to the 16th century with the return of Scarborough Fair. Hubster and I made the hour south drive to Waxahatchie, Texas yesterday morning. (Quick tip: go early or be patient with the drive. It's bumper to bumper once you leave I-35.) The Renaissance Fair will be in town until end of May and usually we go towards the end. But last year was so freaking hot, we went now. Not sure that was the brightest move, many of the Artisans were focused on selling and not the demonstrations of their craft.

That said, we had fun with masks. 

 And had some foodies.

Which, were not entirely great; but unless you're camping out in the parking lot and grilling up your own meals, you have to take what you can get. And it's not cheap. 

At one o'clock they have the King's Parade. I felt bad for the drummer whose strap broke and he had to bail out early.  There were some interesting new additions this year. 

The parade was running a little behind and poor King Henry was literally jogging to keep up.

After the parade, we kept wandering around discovering the village. 

 I ended up buying a set of amazing wind chimes, a new leather satchel and a wooden hair clip. 

Right before we left, we visited the "Coin Men" who create customized bronze and silver coins that you wear as medallions. You have a range of images to select from for the front and back of the coin.

They employ a machine invented by Da Vinci that utilizes weight and gravity to stamp into metal. It revolutionized coin making. 

Two years ago I got Pan on one side and Bacchus on the other. As you can imagine, it was a wild year. This time around I asked for two coins: one with the sun and moon, the other with a Fleur de lis and Family Heart.

But the best part of Ren Fair is the cosplay. 

This year had an unusually high number of mythical folk. 

Elves.

And quite a large number of Pirates.

You always get a good show with the men who like to wear skirts kilts.

And the ladies who just want to show skin.

The baby was a nice touch though. 

And the handful of people who pick out their costume from Party City, or make their on attempt to participate. 

 

And then the ones who REALLY get into it. 

Even though it was a mild 85 degrees, I don't know how they do it. Probably why you end up seeing more and more skin as we get closer to summer. 

Fox tails were quite popular this year. 

And at the end of the day, when it's time to part ways and get back to reality in the 21st century, you're reminded why you came here in the first place.

To unplug.

Music Monday - "A Little Respect" by Erasure

True story.

I was a freshman in high school, only 14 years old, and had a crush on our marching band's 2nd Drum Major*, Kurt Aufderheide. He was blonde, blue-eyed, tall and Mormon. (Now that I think about it, I had a thing for blondes in high school.)  I do not think that I ever had a real conversation with Kurt; he was a senior like my brother and ate lunch on the upper quad, whereas I was with all the other freshmen by our lockers, too scared to leave the safety of a mass group.

One afternoon, I called our local pop radio station, Star 100.7, and requested that they play a song.  The conversation went something like this:

DJ: Star 100.7! Who is this?
Me: Ummm. Glynis?
DJ: Hey Gwyneth, what's going on?
Me: Uhhh, can you play a song for me? A Little Respect by Erasure?
DJ: Sure thing, who do you want to dedicate this too?
Me: (not expecting this) Oh, um? Kurt Aufderhide? *stunned that this came out of my mouth*
DJ: Ooo! Is this your boyfriend?
Me: NO!!!
DJ: Well does he have your number?
Me: I'm sure he can figure out where to get it.
DJ: Alright then! Here's Erasure with "A Little Respect" going out to Kurt Aufderheide from Gwyneth!



Even though the DJ called me Gwyneth, everyone knew it was me. Didn't matter though because I taped it onto a cassette (did you know they record those conversations during the commercials, not live?) and planed to give that tape to Kurt.

The next day at school, I got up the nerve to take the tape to Kurt (I think my phone number was written on the outside.) He was surrounded by a bunch of girls and somehow I got the nerve to break in and give him the tape, say a squeeky "Hi!" and run away.

He never called.

And I think he got a Mormon girlfriend a few weeks later. She was blonde, blue-eyed and played the trumpet. AND A FRESHMAN!

Where's Kurt today?

In Baghdad. Being awesome. Getting awards. And political stuff. Working on labor issues and probably solving world hunger.

Me?
Jets for the 0.01%.
Living the dream!

We won Tournament of Champions that year. 1992 Field Show. And if you don't believe how awesome marching band can be, you gotta check out this video... of us... THE EMERALD BRIGADE!



*The 2nd Drum Major is at the back of the field, so that when you march facing away from the front, you can still keep in time. 

My Brain Wouldn't Shut Up - 5:30am

I have to finish that deck.

What if no one shows up at the Polo game?

It’s too hot, I need to take off this blanket.

The trick to nekkid sleeping is keeping your butt covered.

Maybe I’d be more comfortable with the blankets all the way on up to my neck but my feet sticking out the bottom?

If an alien showed up right now to take me and the boopins off to another planet, I’d totally go.

Why is Tommy deaf, dumb and blind? That’s too much for one kid.

I want an espresso.

Did I transfer the sheets into the dryer?

Urgh, I cannot forget to pay that bill this morning.

Maybe I should get up and go to the gym.

I wish I could wake up without belly fat.

I want to stay here in bed.

Taste of Dallas Review

Having never been to a "Taste of (insert city here)" it seemed appropriate that I attend my first one in the metroplex where we currently live. Since it's waaaaaaay down in Fair Park, we opted to hop the DART Green line for $4.50 instead of wasting gas driving and paying $12 to park. I thought that was rather clever of us. Save money + socially conscious. Go us!

Here's the Hub checking out the rail map. At least three people stopped him to talk about his ink. I swear, I can't take that guy anywhere. 

We got there around 1:30, right at the hottest part of the day (real smart there). Cost $16 for the two of us to gain entry, which is a little rich if you ask me. First stop, Texas Land and Cattle for a sirloin slider with horseradish cream. We were so hungry that we wolfed them down and I forgot to take a photo. $3 for each, it hit the spot. Then we washed them down with a $4 bottle of Sprite. 

Moving along, I got a pulled chicken taco from Nuevo Leon Mex Mex ($3) which was hot x 2 (hot as in 'not cold' and hot as in 'spicy'.)

Hubs wandered off to find an ice cream, he got a vanilla bean something from Jasmine Uniquely Cusine ($3). I went into one of the showrooms for air conditioning and found a petting zoo. What? Yes, a petting zoo at Taste of Dallas. There's a sick joke in there somewhere. 

It's at least 95 and I wanted to jump in the fountain. We should have come later, c'est la vie. Working clockwise, we passed by Bryan Street Tavern and Clay Pit, stopping only at Social Ice for a Mimosa popsicle which was FREE! Most of the food stalls were sliders, tacos, gyros... various beef products. 

Finally, we hit the food trucks. Honestly, the best food was in this section. Truly interesting ideas and more global food. I think there were about 12 food trucks in all. 

(Right before this pic was taken, he opted to buy a hat to keep his head from getting burned. It was an orange Texas hat for $15 (I can't remember what college that is... A&M maybe) that he bought from a pot smoking Rastafari, right across from the kids bouncy house.) 

I opted to start at Crazy Fish and check out their sushi rolls. $3 for 4 rolls with salmon, cream cheese, sauce, bell pepper and capers. Mmm! Worth it. 

Next I stood in line for a Korean something or other, but the sun got to me and I bailed before long. I also tried waiting for a kebap from Selim's Doner Kebap House but after three minutes, I could tell the line was not going to be moving. 

So we opted to finish off the afternoon with a Baja Fish Taco - jicama and pickled slaw! - from The Taco Shack. $6 for two, tasty but the fish could have been more crispy. 

Hubster wanted to get the tacos from the Tin Star truck, but since I eat there almost every Monday and get $2 tacos, I wasn't about to pay an extra buck.

So all told, we spent $60.50 for three hours of entertainment and full bellies. If you go (and you have only one more day to go) I would recommend going at dinner time and starting light with the food trucks, then working your way back into the main area for sliders and turkey legs. 

Honestly though? The food is actually better at The Texas State Fair. 

BOOOM! There went a chunk of the ceiling...

I ditched my Amazon Amy workout this morning. 

Instead, Hubster and I met up with my cousin Ringo at the gun range this morning. (Ringo is not his real name. I mean, could you imagine my Aunt naming her son Ringo? Well, first you would have to know my Aunt Nan, but still... who names their kid Ringo? Mrs. Starr did, but I think after 1965, you can't do that to a child. He got the name "Ringo" because he used to wear circular blue-tinted glasses like John Lennon. A friend got confused and started calling him after the wrong Beatle. It stuck. Hubs calls him Ringo. I call him Brad. His first name is actually William. It's a long story...)

Hubster is on left, Ringo on the right. He's a tall dude, I want to say 6'7 or something; today he was shooting a 40 caliber and 9 mm semi-automatic. Hubs had his 44 and brought along two 12 gauge shotguns. 

This is one of the shotguns that he MacGyver'd himself. Removed the stock and put in a pistol grip pump, then for funsies he painted it camo. Made for CQB (close quarter battles). 

I got in a little bit o shooting myself with my .38, then Hubs wanted me to shoot a couple rounds with the shotgun.

I'd like to say the center shot was mine, but it's not. I think I hit the upper left on this target. Then the second one I hit the ceiling of the range. Whoopsie daisy!

The Crapshoot Experiment

The previous post got me thinking. If you started with "Eddie Izzard" on Wikipedia and kept hitting the first blue link within the topic and ended up with "Academic Discipline" twice, is it possible that any word would end up back in the same place?

Not likely, but I decided to try an experiment with an unbiased word. Thanks to my gal Erin Beth for responding so quickly to my Facebook posting, the selected word was "crapshoot".  (Erin happens to be ridiculously awesome and I wish we lived in the same city because I'm sure that we would get together on Tuesday nights to watch Tosh.0 or Chopped and drink copious amounts of wine and be the power of awesome squared.)

So here goes.
Crapshoot.  (Oh Wiki, you don't recognize it as a word and re-direct me to Craps. Bad wiki!)
Craps
Dice game
Games
Playing
Psychology (appropriate since Erin is a Social Worker who deals with Psychology.)
Mind
Cognition
Science
Latin
Italic languages
Indo-European (aha! it's going to end up in the same place! I can feel it!)
Language families
descent
linguistics
Human
taxonomy
ACADEMIC (MOTHER GOOSING) DISCIPLINE!

Holy crumbcake! It did it again!
I gotta test another word!
Thanks to Lisa & Darcey (not sure which one posted since they share a FB account) I'm trying "quest".

Quest
Mythology
Comparative mythology
(back to myths)
Inca mythology
Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire
Spanish colonization of the Americas
Spanish Empire
Spain
Sovereign state
State
Centralisation
location
geography
science
latin...

IT DID IT AGAIN!!!

Once you get to science and latin, it will auto go to "Academic Discipline".  And that goes to college, which will go back in a loop to latin.

Try it. I've done it three times know. I bet that if you started with "kimono" or "duck hearts" you're still going to end up at the same place.

*head explodes on a miniature scale*

And a Disco Ball... Proportionately Sized

When designing your new workspace, or "Career Stations" one must think of all the items you would want to have if the sky was the limit.

Career Station Space
- Table that can seat 8, hardwood, smooth surface
o To be used within the career stations as a collaboration zone for proofing mechanicals, going over workflow, creative brain-storming… so that if we need to answer our phone or get to computer, it’s easier than locking ourselves in the control room

- Touchscreen with internet connectivity on the enclosed wall space
- Paper Recycling station!!!
- Digital color printer / scanner
- New leather office chairs that are ergonomically built for our career station
- Selection of plants (at least one per person)
o Because oxygen and color and living things are good

- Marketing only smallish refrigerator – that can hold OUR food not to mention back up insulin – this is huge because we can’t trust our meds to the common room fridge
- Mini bar that we could have a cocktail on Friday evenings or a glass of wine
- If they remove the file cabinets along the walls, we need our own file cabinets – in a BIG way


Common area
- Three cushy sofas and/or chairs plus a low coffee table
- Hi-definition SMART television, with cable, with internet access
o To access Bloomberg TV and CNN

- Remote keyboard and mouse system
- Magazine rack and a newspaper rack to hold our advertising materials
- Pop up – like what we take to events to display collateral
- Three Floor lamps, strategically placed so that we can turn off the overhead lights
- Three floor pillows
- Multipanel screen that can be placed across a gap for added privacy – note: not permanent, but like a Shoji screen
- XBOX 360 w/Kinect - for team building, letting off stress
- Wii gaming system, along with an assortment of team building games like Wii Sports
- Dartboard
- Disco ball – proportionate to the space
- Plastic plants and Festivus pole
- 40-gallon Aquarium with live fish
- Assortment of games like Pictionary (along with standup easel that is whiteboard), CLUE, RISK, Stratego, Battleship, Scrabble

I don't think that's too much to ask.

The One Where I Crashed a Wedding

I was ridiculously fortunate enough to stay at a five-star resort in Los Cabos, Mexico last weekend. It was for work, and that's all I'm going to say about that. Yes, I have an amazingly awesome job.


On the final night, when all "work" stuff had been completed and I could let go of some steam, I had a "couple" of drinks with a partner in crime. To protect his identity, I'll call him Matthew.


So it's about 11pm or so, maybe 10pm (see earlier reference to a "couple" of drinks... meaning 5+ glasses of champagne.) We get back to the resort, I couldn't tell you much about the ride back as I don't really remember it; but I am sure I was witty and charming and true to my loquatious, egocentric, know-it-all self. Matthew and I (well maybe just me) decide to continue drinking.


Now let me take a step back. Earlier in the day, we saw the wedding nuptials of a gorgeous couple from far, far away. I wasn't snooping, it was on the property. We were all excited for them and wanted to share in the moment, even if from hundreds of yards away. When Matthew and I got back to the resort, the wedding guests were partying on the beach. Music blaring, dancing couples, it looked like a fantastic affair.


It was at this point that I decided we were going to crash the wedding.


(I'm making up this dialogue as best as I remember.)

Me, grabbing a bottle of champagne: C'mon Matt, we're gonna crash a party.
Matthew: What???
Me, grabbing his hand: Yup. Let's go.


Matthew was doubtful and a little concerned, so I made up a story as we walked down to the beach and onto the red carpet.
Me: You're my brother. We're vacationing together. Got it?
Matthew: This isn't going to work.
Me: Oh yes it is. It's going to be fun. Don't worry.
(I think he was more worried about my mental health.)


We walk right down the red carpet and into the crowd, I asked one of the guests where the groom was. She pointed to a tall, handsome black dude. I strode over with champagne in hand.


Me: Hi! Congratulations! My brother and I are guests here and just thought we'd come wish you a wonderful beginning to your new life! (I'd like to note here that the champagne was already paid for so I wouldn't be able to get the money back or ship it home. Just saying.) We brought champagne! Love to toast with you and your new bride!
Groom: (stunned) OHMIGOD! BABY! BABY! BABY! (looking around in the crowd) WIFEY! WIFEY! WIFEY!


This went on a few moments while I popped the champagne and got flutes. The bride came over, absolutely gorgeous by the way, and the groom said we came to toast with them. She gave me a huge hug and I whispered congratulations in her ear and that I was so happy for her. We all toasted. I think Matthew might have introduced himself. Then the sparklers came out and it was time for them to leave.


Matthew and I melded to the back of the crowd, watching as the happy couple left. One of the bride's sisters came over to chat with us. We had a few more drinks and then slunk away back up the beach.


Matthew: It was Vincent and Candice.
Me: What?
Matthew: That's the name of the couple that got married, Vincent and Candice.
Me: Oh? Cool!


On Monday I learned that the groom was a Pro Football Player. He and his bride were childhood sweethearts and had a young son together. This makes me happy. I'd like to think they are going to receive their wedding photos from the onsite photographer, see them toasting with two white kids they don't know, and say WTF?

Congrats you two.