I very well could be the strangest person you know today

It all started earlier this week when Neavsey came into work with Chick-fil-A.
“I can’t believe you bought homophobic food,” I said indignantly.
“Don’t be mad at the chicken.” She then proceeded to show me a hilarious parody of three trans-ladies mocking Wilson Phillips and singing about Chick-Fil-A.

I confessed that I do, in fact, miss the waffle fries.

Next morning, Hurricane Benji graces us with his presence and he is munching on Whataburger. My taste buds immediately salivate and I think about getting drive-thru from an A-frame… mmm. It was like a Homer Simpson moment when Neavesy became a burger and Benji turned into an onion ring.

Since I haven’t been waking up on the right-side of the bed lately (literally, I’ve been getting up on the left) I didn’t bring a lunch. It’s Friday so going out felt like a good option. I texted my buddy Ford Prefect for a date…

Alright, you know what? I’m DOING this!
I’m sure it’s been done before, but I am actually going to three different fast food locales to get the best portions of a meal to make the ULTIMATE FAST FOOD BURGER LUNCH EXPERIENCE.

I left the office at 12pm and made it back at 1:05pm.
Here is the route I took:

I selected medium potato waffle fries from Chik-Fil-A (400 calories, 21 grams of fat, 48 carbs) with one packet of ketchup. Those were wolfed in-route to In-N-Out where I got a cheeseburger animal-style (480 calories, 27grams of fat, 39 carbs). Then next part of journey had me going up the access road with multiple red lights; I was able to finish the burger quite literally in line at the DRIVE THRU at Whataburger.

Here I was stumped. A milkshake? A dessert? I opted for a hot apple pie. OMG. I’m really stuffed and don’t want to eat this… but I must take at least a few bites or this was all for naught. Since I only had a few bites (which burnt the top of my mouth with its lava-like apple spew) I’m going to round down to half of the actual nutrition (130 calories, 114 grams of fat, 7 carbs)



Just to sum up: My ridiculousness took 65 minutes. I saw three private jets overhead. I listened (and sang along) to about 10 or so songs on KXT. I nearly rear-ended someone on Beltline. I learned Whataburger doesn’t have bottled water and I spent about $5.60 in total. I did it… but it’s not something I’d necessarily do again. Unless we figured in curly fries from Jack-In-the-Box, a hot fudge sundae from Dairy Queen… no NO NO!!! This is going to take 3 full work out sessions to negate my gluttony.

And just as I post this, I get another text from Ford, “How was crazy lunch?"

Belated Music Monday - "Lightning Bolt" by Jake Bugg

Ford says he's the new Bob Dylan. Well, he might be a British version.
And he's only 20.
#IFeelOld

January Wall Quotes

Here's a recap of the latest work sayings that made it on "The Wall".

What's that beeping? (it's me) We're going to call you G-3P0 from now on. 
I'd be Cap'n Crunch... cause I like the hat. 
What's that pregnancy hormone? THC?
Teamwork makes the dream work!
And then I came out of the closet...
Love is like a fart. If you have to push it, it's probably s**t. 
Can I tell you how much fun I has taking out your balls and playing with them?

RELEASE THE SCRAPPLE!
If it burns when you pee, you gotta stop.
(singing) I second that emulsion!
I look much, much better when I have a bra on.
(How to make a flow chart for labor) PUSH! Did it come out? NO. PUSH! Did it come out? NO.
Sorry, but I'm not the only person in this room who's had a penis in his mouth. 
(Turning on the screen saver to a fireside scene.) I figuratively, and quite literally, keep the fire going!
Being pregnant is like being stoned 24/7 with the munchies.
It's like the Last Supper! But with less dying. 

That smells great! What is that?
Island Nectar.
Eyelid nectar?
Eyelid nectar, the tears of god...

It's DANCE OFF PANTS OFF!
I knew something in the milk ain't clean!
(singing) Feeling Grube!
No, it's in there but you're going to push it to the side. 
They could get lei'd!
I'ma be his Christian Grey!
You have it in your mouth, but you're probably going to spit it out...
That's why you need to be friends with Barbara and get access to her secret closet.
It was like 50 shades of Don.
Of all the women's shoes I've tried on, those are the most comfortable. 

I Beg Your Pardon

Ford Prefect left me a voice message last night (in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice... I nearly wee'd when I heard it this morning) that he needed something for his boss and in lieu of chatting on the phone, he came up for a visit.

I'm not sure how it started, but we started talking about Erasure's song "L'amour" and how we used to dance in middle school. So I pulled it up on Youtube and we had a nice little dance in my cube. Once the song was over, we played New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" and eventually settled in for business.

Then before leaving me to go back to the 3rd floor, he pulled up this song. I wish it was a Music Monday.

Overheard in the Office - Q3 2012

• Water is GOOD for you!
• Is her a lot older than you? 
• I don't know how to land a plane. You don't know how to brand something. Go land a &$%&(@)# plane!
• It's called SMART but there's nothing smart about their org chart. 
• We CAN stand peeing, but we don't want to. But it's a great quad work out. 
• These people aren't camping here. 
• It's all about the human touch.
• That's why the she-urinal didn't catch on. 
• I have a date with an 85 year old. so it should wrap up early.
• Well, I don't crave dirt so....
• I couldn't get enough suger in my pie-hole.
• Oh, Bernie does! See? There's another black guy who golfs.
• Omigod, funeral homes are way too trusting.

In the Last 24 Hours...

I realized that I HATE the song that NPR plays along with the Art&Seek spot. I don’t know what it is, but it’s horrible and annoying. Especially the end that goes “Woooo” “Woooooo”. Gag me.

Nyquil now just makes Quil. It’s basically a sleep drink without all the stuffy, aching, fever stuff. ZzzQuil!!! Be honest, you need to sleep and don’t feel like chugging down vodka, have some ZzzQuil!

I was behind a cop in line at Starbucks and asked him what the green epaulets were about on his shoulder. Apparently, green = 911 response guys and red = traffic cops. So if you get pulled over by a guy with red lines on his shoulders, you’re hosed. Green? You might have a chance. Nice guy. Free coffee and he still tipped a buck and waited in line like the rest of us.

Ford Prefect came by my cube and taught me how to find really cool weather stuff. More interesting though was that I learned his two brothers were Prefects AND Head Boys! Not so much for Ford… he wasn’t even a Prefect. Nor was he familiar with “Hitchhiker's Guide” because he was too busy making out with some bird to watch the BBC version. He is fantastic with voices (Kennedy and Sean Connery) and started calling me MoneyPenny. So he is forgiven.

Finally… I now have “Candy”.  I can say with absolute honesty that I did not steal it. Nor did I ask it to be downloaded illegally. And I WILL buy the single legally when it comes out in the USA as well as purchase the double, super, extra filled album from RW’s website.  Terribly sorry to the person who allegedly downloaded it and got a whole bunch of malware and viruses. 

Toodles.

The Unwanted Fries

From: G

Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 12:42 PM
To: Ford Prefect
Subject: dude

How was In-n-out?



From: Ford Prefect
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:08 PM
To: G
Subject: RE: dude

Very good. Soda was off, like the bladder of syrup was getting lean.
Other than that, the fries cried you weren’t there.

From: G
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:29 PM
To: Ford Prefect
Subject: RE: dude

I’d totally take a poll on best fries and In-N-Out wouldn’t be in the top 5. They are the sad little fries who get high-jacked at point-of-purchase but aren’t really wanted by anyone. Even Liam Neeson wouldn’t want those fries.


From: Ford Prefect
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:33 PM
To: G
Subject: RE: dude

Taken 2. Google it.


From: G
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:42 PM
To: Ford Prefect
Subject: RE: dude

Wait wait wait… they’re making a Taken 2?!
How many times can his daughter be THAT stupid and get kidnapped to become an Arabian slave?


From: Ford Prefect
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:43 PM
To: G
Subject: RE: dude

The trailer is online. It’s the wife that gets taken, by the relatives of all the dudes he killed in France.


From: G
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 1:47 PM
To: Ford Prefect
Subject: RE: dude
That family should NOT be allowed to travel!


From: Ford Prefect

Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 2:14 PM
To: GSubject: RE: dude
Maybe in Taken 3 they’ll bump into the Griswolds

Attack of the Killer Iceboxes

(I invited a bunch of people I think are awesome to come brainstorm with my on an upcoming Marketing idea for work. This is the email response I received from an Operation Dude downstairs. He has clearly won the right to be included in all future brainstorming.)


Sorry I wish I had the time, but I simply can’t even get the stuff I should get done now.

Plus my mind is simply taken over by ideas I have of fake PSAs about keeping our office fridges clean.

Or fake movie trailers:

• A romantic drama period piece about an office girl expecting to find a horrible fridge that has been cleaned out and her quest to find who did it.
(G Comment: I would call it "Fridges of Madison County".)

• A Jerry Bruckheimer type movie about the coming catastrophe of an office fridge whose reaching saturation, “no return, tipping point” levels of filth, threatening an entire floor, and the bold few who try to bring an end to the impending doom.
(G Comment: Perhaps "On Frosty Ground" or "Meltdown: This Time It's Personal!".)


• A good old fashioned horror story of a fridge that comes alive after the year long, molded organisms mutate.
(G Comment: Here I think you should just stay classic and go with "MOLD!")

• A fridge with a Liam Neeson accent that systematically hunts down those who spill sweet and sour sauce in its drawer and shelves and doesn’t clean up after it.
(G Comment: Wanted to go with "Gangs of New Pork" but that sounds like an adult flick. Surprisingly, "Schlinder's List" could still work...)