Monday, August 8, 2011

A Year in Quotes

Names and identifying details have been removed to protect the guilty.

“I’m sorry, you’re in Connecticut. We can’t help you.”
“It’s liberating not caring, it’s kinda like being drunk, all the time.”
“I’m giving you a mental hug in a totally work appropriate way.”
“I did a lot of queer stuff when I was young.”
“Some ‘I love myself’ action”
“I played with him over the weekend. He was the Doctor. I was the patient. I feel violated.”
“The words you’ve never heard before: The hot new tuba player”
“We are the reason that man had three nips.”
“Oh, that explains why you rub my coat!”
“This is what happens when you drink a lot in the afternoon and type things”
“The Galapagos? Isn’t that where Darwin studied toilets?”
“It always goes to my junk.”
“He is getting a lot out of us today.” … “That’s okay, he got a lot outta me yesterday.”
“Communism works…. In theory”
“It was then that I learned I was 24 hours of losing my big toe.”
“The primary thrust that he is trying to penetrate… to not be straddled”
“If you don’t then call me at home and I’ll whip it out.”
“You’re still looking for squishy leather, right?”
“Dudes are like… strong!”
“I ran over a bunny with my lawn mower once, can you top that?”
“Were you smoking crack this morning?” … “Well, she’s the closest thing to it.”
“Chains are good.”
“I’m going to Target to buy a breast pump.”
“Cricket and Birdie… and, wait for it… Maude.”
“I feel worse drinking a dead man’s Boost than wearing his shoes.”
“Thank you for your little boom boom.”
“Be sure to get extra nipples!”
“I actually prefer them smaller… I can fit them all in my hand.”
“He’s like a Chihuahua on crack.”
“That is too hard for the softness that is inside.”
“Creepy never left”
“The ball is larger and brighter and bigger and bright red”
“We’re Canadian, not Al Qaida!”
“She sent me a Time magazine that said ‘Gay is Ok!’ on the cover that summer,. I kept it. Cause she died. And that was the last thing she sent to me.”
“Gee, I hope that was chocolate.”

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