Friday, July 6, 2012

The Dating Game (not used by permission or even based in reality)

Goooooood evening ladies and gentlemen! Tonight's single lady is Ms. Fancypants who will be going on hypothetical dates with a variety of interesting lads. All so that she can fall in love and leave her job and become a woman of leisure. You with me? GREAT! Let's get started. 

Bachelor Number One is a businessman who splits his time between Dallas and New York City. Born in  Dubai, he went to Eton College and graduated Summa cum Laude from Oxford with a Masters in Business. Speaks fluent Arabic, Farsi, French and English (but with a lovely British accent... imagine him saying "herbs" and "collecting his belongings from the trolley".) Loves his parents and little sister, enjoys mountain hiking, dining out and listening 80s music. Meet... Ammon!
Ammon will fly you to NYC for the weekend. With separate suite rooms at the Waldorf to uphold your reputation, he'll wine and dine you, take you for a lovely afternoon at the Met, carriage ride through Central Park, sweet kisses at the top of the Empire State Building.  His downfall? Well, he's just so damn NICE!  Attractive? Yes. Wealthy? God yes. But just doesn't flutter your leg warmers. Sorry Ammon... time to try Bachelor Number Two! 

Bachelor Number Two is a twenty-six year old Pharmaceutical Rep who moonlights as a fitness trainer. Surprisingly bright, he's an avid reader (well, he listens to books on tape as he runs. So that kind of counts.) He has also had some success developing products to remove unwanted body hair with some of the chemical creams he sells to plastic surgeons. (All on the down low - you need to know the secret word ... "mango".)  He frequently travels to Baja for the surfing and dreams of riding the sweet waves in South Africa.  Meet Brody!

Brody will pick you up in his door less Jeep and whisk you away to a little Mexican place he discovered one drunken evening. Incredibly flirtatious, he will gaze into your eyes (and likely at your legs) and ask you all about meaningless things. You'll have a great time and feel like a million bucks, until you realize he's wearing a silver cross around his neck. Nervously, you wonder if he's a Christian (which makes absolutely no sense when his hand is on your thigh and you're barely through your third Corona.) His answer? No ma'am, it's because of the vampires. You laugh heartily, but he doesn't join in. That's it Brody... belief in the undead is a deal breaker.  Let's go ahead and meet Bachelor Number Three!

Bachelor Number Three is a soulful musician. He sings, plays the guitar and piano, and while his persona screams "rockabilly", he's actually more of a blues guy. Grew up in Georgia on a farm in the middle of nowhere, he's the youngest of seven brothers. (And oh yes, he has a loverly southern twang that could melt icicles off of Santa's netherbits.) Though he's a night person, he likes to spend his free time in the park flying a kite and spouting impromptu haikus about TV shows. Meet.... Jack!

Jack is a pretty chill dude. He'd take off his leather jacket and drape it around you if you're cold, then dance around you and sing a love song. He'll take you on the first date to a little speakeasy where you'd try absinthe, wax philosophically about Ayn Rand and The Peanuts, then laugh merrily as he takes the stage to perform a number inspired by your eyes. He's a good bloke. Sexy? Yes. Dresses well? You betcha. And he has perfectly coiffed hair. You run your hands through it to muss it up and he doesn't care. Is he a keeper? Who knows... but he doesn't own TV or have Internet capability. Plus, he sleeps on the floor with a duvet. Yeeeeaaaaaah, you're a little over that scene. 

But that's all we've got for the Friday Evening Date Night! Tune in next week where we meet a Martial Artist, a Chef and a really hot guy who weaves baskets and chants.

Thanks folks! We outtie!

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